Like this:

My fiance and I play a game when we travel: we hunt around in the t-shirt shops for the tackiest souvenir up for sale. On my recent trip to Hawaii, I got to spend lots of time in souvenir stops. This trip’s tackiest souvenir is…(insert dramatic drumroll)…

Isn't this just precious?

The penis ashtray!

Available at several stalls in Waikiki, this piece amazed me as much for its lack of reason as for its lack of taste and aesthetics. This was the only stand that dressed its cock ashtrays up in little grass skirts.

Having gotten that out of the way, I’m now going on to a couple of so-called souvenirs that I consider the worst, rather than the tackiest. These are small animals that have been murdered, puffed up, and shellacked for the amusement of ignorant tourists. I don’t give a damn how politically correct I sound–I don’t like this practice AT ALL.

Porcupine fish, lizards, frogs, and pretty much all other animals do not exist solely for our amusement. They’re living critters, and they deserve a modicum of respect. That doesn’t mean I’m a vegan–in fact I’m a devout omnivore. I will kill a fish or an animal or condone the killing of them to feed and clothe myself. And I’ll feel grateful for my place at the top of the food chain that permits me to do this.

Killing little frogs in order to lacquer their bodies and stick them beneath little teeny beer bongs is just horrid. I saw precisely these things in Mexico. Then, in Hawaii, I saw dozens of porcupine fish blown up and shellacked, then used as light fixtures. Or just sold as-is, as cheap souvenirs.

I’d far, far rather take a hike into Mexico’s back country to see the little frogs hopping about or snorkel the reefs of Hawaii in hopes of seeing a porcupine fish swimming about in its native habitat. In fact it’s the place of these unique creatures within their home domains that makes them so special. Dead and shiny in tacky souvenir stalls, they become merely pathetic.

If feeling this way makes me a hippie, well smoke me some granola. And please, think about voting with your wallet and refusing to buy poor little dead animals to commemorate your travels. Get a penis ashtray instead–at least it’s sustainable!