Like this:

Fair warning: if you tell me you’re literally going to shoot yourself if you don’t get something you want, be prepared for me to pass you a loaded weapon. Because when you say the word “literally” you mean “truthfully” or perhaps “for real.” As in, if you say that you literally weigh a ton, you mean that the number you see on the scale reads 2000 pounds. Betcha didn’t mean that, did you?

No, you didn’t. What you do mean is “figuratively.” Or perhaps you just want to use a multisyllabic word to emphasize your oh-so-exciting statement and it’s not possible to add six exclamation points to a verbalization without screaming.

Now hear this: WORDS MEAN THINGS. If you don’t know what a word means, don’t repeat it like a retarded parrot because you heard somebody else say it and you thought it sounded cool. Instead, look the word up. Or ask me what it means. Right here on this blog, if you like. I’ll tell you what the word means, and I’ll do it with a shocking level of kindness and respect. There’s no shame in not knowing something you were never taught. Dictionaries are published with the express purpose of helping folks who don’t know what specific words mean. I use them all the time myself.

On the other hand, it is shameful to speak like an ignorant fool. Which you sound like when you say things like “if I have another slice of cake, my stomach is literally going to explode!” (Yup, that’s me easing away from you. I don’t want to get any on me should you literally explode.)

But hey–who am I to judge? (I’m a 14-year professional writer with a degree in English from Stanford.) I’m just so tired of hearing the word “literally” misused by morons. So if you must, can’t you mix it up a little bit? Pick some other words you don’t understand that end in “ly.” Try “If I don’t lose those five pounds I’m going to speciously cut off my ass with a carving knife.” Or perhaps “I’ll dubiously marry you if you just let me cut ahead of you in this Starbucks line!”

But if you ever hear me say “If I hear you use the word literally again I will literally kick your ass,” you might think about sitting down.